i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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