Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
