What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
another moral hangover. fuck.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
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We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
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Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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