I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
