Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.