How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you