we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force