Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids