My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
