I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
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Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
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So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.