Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
