Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
