we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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