we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
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