Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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