I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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