my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
