My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
