There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
