Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
