I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
