The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
