I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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