She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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