Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
