: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
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