Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize