If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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