never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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