I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
