my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
