Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
