I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
is that a dick in a sweater?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
