in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
