That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
