i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
We had to coat check the pizza.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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