Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
