i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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