Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
