What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I AM VODKA MAN
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
