She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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