I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
