My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Randomize
