It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
