I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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