the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize