Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
