I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Randomize
