zippers are such a cool invention
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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