I need help removing her.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
