mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
