Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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