96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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