I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
