Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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