My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
