I got chris browned last night
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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