Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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