How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
