his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
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