just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
