1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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