I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
