you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
