you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
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we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
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I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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