I can text with my tongue
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
