Plan B is the new Plan A
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
